NECESSARY CONVERSATIONS
Suggestions for Agreements for
Mindful Listening. Mindful Talking.
Leaning Into Understanding
A “safe space” is a place to rest, collect yourself, and prepare to grow. Growth happens in “courageous spaces” where you risk, stretch, expand, explore, and discover. Below is a collection of collected suggested guidelines you might consider using when attempting to engage in difficult and necessary conversations.
TRY IT ON: LEAN INTO DISCOMFORT
Be willing to be disturbed. We are all in process. Be willing to “try on” new ideas or new ways of doing things that might be unfamiliar or not your preference or habit. Challenge yourself to contribute even if it is not perfectly formulated. Be willing to grow.
PRACTICE SELF FOCUS
Attend to and speak about your own experiences and responses. Use “I” statements. Do not speak for a whole group or express assumptions about the experience of others.
UNDERSTAND THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN INTENT AND IMPACT
Try to understand and acknowledge impact. Denying the impact of something said by focusing on intent is often more destructive than the initial interaction. Respect each other’s experiences and feelings by taking responsibility for the effects of your words. On the other side, if you have a strong reaction to something, let the group know. Be open to dialogue.
WORK TO RECOGNIZE YOUR PRIVILEGES
Use this space to recognize and investigate your privileges (for example: race, class, gender identity, sexual orientation, age, religion, ability, etc.). Honor the different experiences that we all bring to this space.
BREAK IT DOWN
Use simple language and background information when necessary. Ask for clarification if needed.
PRACTICE “BOTH / AND”
When speaking, substitute “and” for “but.” This practice acknowledges and honors multiple realities.
REFRAIN FROM BLAMING OR SHAMING SELF & OTHERS
Practice giving skillful feedback.
ASK PERMISSION & CHALLENGE WITH CARE
Ask permission to challenge someone’s view or to follow-up on specific remarks after the meeting. If they agree to have their view challenged, then find ways to respectfully challenge their view and be open to challenges of your own views. Think about how to question ideas without personal attacks.
RIGHT TO PASS
You can say “I pass” if you don’t wish to speak.
MOVE UP / MOVE BACK
Encourage full participation by all present. Take note of who is speaking and who is not. If you tend to speak often, consider “moving back” and vice versa. Share speaking time and try to speak after others who have not spoken.
PRACTICE MINDFUL LISTENING
Use your energy to listen to what is said before thinking about how to respond. Try to avoid planning what you’ll say as you listen to others. Be willing to be surprised, to learn something new. Listen with your whole self. Notice when defensiveness and denial arise.
NOTICE AND NAME GROUP DYNAMICS IN THE MOMENT
We are all responsible for this space. Be aware of how others are responding or not responding. Ask for a “time out” or dialogue if needed.
CONFIDENTIALITY
Share the message, not the messenger.
Adapted From:
More on Safe Spaces & Brave/Courageous/necessary Spaces: